In my writing and speaking, I often quote other authors in order to more succinctly illustrate a point I am making. After receiving feedback from the July Positively Purposeful message, I feel it's important to say that the selection of a quote does not indicate an endorsement of everything said or written by that person.
When the quote by Ted Tripp was selected for the July Positively Purposeful message, it was chosen to illustrate the point that when we lower standards of acceptable behavior for our children, instead of encouraging them to ask God to help them when it feels impossible to do the right thing, they miss out on a wonderful opportunity to see how they need Jesus in their lives, too. It was not intended to advocate or endorse any specific method of discipline or child-rearing.
I could hear the coins jangling in her pocket as she climbed up the stairs to my room. Some small change was missing from a dish, and I had just asked who had taken it. Greeted with silence and no admission of guilt from any of the kids, I told them I was going upstairs to wait. Whoever took it could come to me on their own timing, but we weren't going anywhere until the truth came out.
With tears in her eyes, my daughter admitted that she had taken the money. “What was going on in your heart when you took it?” I asked her. “Can you remember what you were thinking or why you felt like it was okay to take money that you hadn't earned?”
She burst into tears. “I took it because the five dollars I earned working in the garden is gone! I put it in the empty Uno box and someone threw it away. I can't find my money, and I saw that money sitting there, so I took it.” She sat on the couch, full of misery.
We talked about how hard it is to do the right thing when life feels unfair. How easy it is to justify all sorts of things when we feel we're owed something. But at the end of the day, it was stealing, and she knew it. I asked her what a better response would have been. We talked about 1 Corinthians 10:13, which says, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. [We all get tempted. Our situation isn't unique.] And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear [When we say we just couldn't help it, that's not actually true. In our own strength we can't, but God will always help us make the right choice.] But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” I asked her what she thought was her “way out.” What else could she have chosen?
I told her that choices have consequences. She would have to give the money back to her brother and ask him how she could serve him to show him she really was sorry.
I asked her if she felt like it was hard, maybe impossible, to be as good as God wanted her to be. She gave a big nod of agreement. And then we got to the good part-the good news.
Every time our children (or we) mess up, it's an opportunity to be drawn to the Cross. My daughter was right-it is impossible to be as good as God wants us to be. God tells us to “be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). Perfect?! we think. I can't even be perfect for an hour, let alone a lifetime. So what is the solution?
Ted Tripp addresses this question in his book, Shepherding a Child's Heart:
The focal point of your discipline and correction must be your children seeing their utter inability to do the things which God requires unless they know the help and strength of God. Your correction must hold the standard of righteousness as high as God holds it. God's standard is correct behavior flowing from a heart that loves God and has God's glory as the sole purpose of life…The alternative is to give them a law they can keep. The alternative is a lesser standard that does not require grace and does not cast them on Christ, but rather on their own resources…Dependence on their own resources moves them away from the cross. It moves them away from any self-assessment that would force them to conclude that they desperately need Jesus' forgiveness and power.
“I know it's so hard,” I said. “And that's why we need Jesus. He died so that we could always be forgiven when we make mistakes. And He sent the Holy Spirit to us to be inside us, to help us to make the right choices and overcome temptation. Let's pray and ask for God's forgiveness (He'll always say yes), and then ask the Holy Spirit to help us make good choices-to give us the strength to do the things that are hard, but right.” She prayed and we hugged. Everything felt good again.
I'd love to say that this is how it goes every time someone in my house needs correction. This takes time, and I don't always stop what I'm doing to discipline in this way. Too often, we're on the go when I've caught someone doing something. I say that we'll address it when we get home, and then I forget all about it in the busyness that follows. But summer affords opportunity not just to slow down and relax. It gives time to slow down and be a better mom. Not a perfect one-but one that asks the Holy Spirit to give us the strength to do the things that are hard, but right.