A couple of weeks ago, our parish began to move toward a more open mask and attendance policy. As usual, I hadn’t read the email making this announcement and was surprised to see the tape gone, relatively full pews, and mouths—so many mouths.
Honestly, it was a bit jarring. The world as it was before COVID-19 seems so long ago that it feels unfamiliar. As happy as I am that things are starting to feel a bit more normal, I have been fumbling through what seems like a long transition to the other side of the pandemic. There are so many questions. When my children move around at church, do they make other people uncomfortable? There is a good chance that they do, which, in turn, makes me uncomfortable. And my friends who I haven’t seen, how should I reconnect with them? How do we rebuild? Do we hug? Do we wave? There are so many questions and so many ways to mess up or be insensitive that it can feel paralyzing. A year after shutting down the country to slow the spread, we face another challenge. How do we emerge well? How do we reconnect well with the people that we love?
That day, as I awkwardly sat in our first “normal-ish” Mass, our priest gave a homily that spoke to this very question. Quoting from Ecclesiastes 3, he reminded us, “For everything, there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” He then explained that the last year was a season in which we were called out of our normal circumstances to respond to a crisis beyond our control. We buckled down and took precautions that we needed to take, and this came at a cost. We have mourned many losses. We have mourned the loss of regular schedules, coffee dates, restaurant outings, and kids in sport. We have mourned the loss of predictable futures and canceled plans. We have also mourned the loss of loved ones who were taken by the virus or died alone.
A year later, however, we are entering a new season that our priest described as one of hope. He told us to embrace hope, and then challenged us to enter into this new season with the distinct intention to reconnect with our community and rediscover the joy of sharing our life with friends.
I wonder how you are handling this new season. I wonder about the state of your friendships today. Every study that I have read on the secondary effects of the pandemic illustrates a decrease in women’s overall well-being across the board. Compared with last year, our mental health is less stable, our responsibilities have increased, and with social distancing in place as protection from the virus, so our loneliness has also increased. A study conducted by the Mayo Clinic reported that a significant decrease in women’s friendships has contributed to a major increase in women’s reported loneliness.
Have you felt that? Have you seen your friendships fall to the wayside amid all your buckling down? Have you found yourself wondering if certain women were ever your friends in the first place? I bet you have. I bet there is room for healing and forgiveness in this area of your life, and the good news is that God is ready and waiting to do something new.
The topic of friendship has been at the forefront of my mind over these months as I have written Reclaiming Friendship: God’s Plan for Deep Connection, a six-lesson Bible study coming later this summer. I have explored and prayed through Scripture to find out what God has to say about friendship, and it turns out that He has a lot to say. Our very salvation included a plan for Him to make Himself available for our friendship.
In John 15:15, Jesus said, “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide.”
Therefore, in the eyes of God, friendship is of utmost importance. The love that Jesus has for you is completely deliberate. He chose you simply because He wanted to, simply because you are you. Your earthly friendships were meant to reflect this love. They were meant to be a source of joy in your life and a witness of God’s love to others.
Ancient philosophers understood the importance of friendship in a way that often is lost on us today. They recognized that it is one of the supreme gifts of life because it is a relationship in which the people in it choose each other for no other reason than they want to choose each other. Pastor Tim Keller said, “Friendship is the only love that is absolutely deliberate,” and St. Thomas Aquinas took it a step further, stating, “There is nothing to be prized more than true friendship.” Wow, what a statement. Do you think that’s true? Has this year shown you that your friendships may have been more important than you thought? I know for me it has.
When I began to write this study, I thought that friendship was a "nice" topic to explore because we have so many experiences with other women, and most of them are not good or godly. While women’s friendships can be an incredible gift, all too often, jealousy, gossip, and competition make friendship feel like it’s not worth the investment. We bring so many of our insecurities and baggage into our friendships. We have wounds and scars that go back as far as our childhood run-in with the mean girl at recess. The effects of COVID-19, however, have revealed the importance of friendship in a new way. Yes, friendship is a good topic to explore, but it’s more than that. It is a necessary part of our well-being. It is a gift from God, and He wants us to reclaim that gift, placing Him at the center of these relationships for the sake of His glory.
In Isaiah 43:19, the Lord challenged His people to face forward. He said, “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
This is as true now as it was then. The Lord is moving as you emerge from this year-long pandemic. He will use this new season to reclaim what was lost for His purpose and your joy.
As you figure out how to emerge from a season marked by loneliness, don’t forget your friendships. Remember that the Lord is moving.
If you don't receive our emails, be sure to sign up to receive them to be the first to know when Reclaiming Friendship is in our store. In the meantime, plan to grab a group of women later this summer, and let God reclaim your friendships in this new season.
 Katerina Lim, “Women Report Higher Levels of Loneliness During Pandemic,” woqw.com, March 9, 2021, https://wqow.com/2021/03/09/women-report-higher-levels-of-loneliness-during-the-pandemic/.
 Tim Keller, “Friendship,” YouTube video, 38:05, October 21, 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tc4VIQrXdE.
 Saint Thomas Aquinas, “On Kingship to the King of Cyrus,” book 1, chapter 11, paragraph 77.
Don’t you just love it when someone starts a sentence with, “No offense, but…”? Beginning a conversation like that instantly insinuates that what you are about to be told is going to 100% offend you.
By definition, offense is “annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult to or disregard for oneself or one's standards or principles.” That word perceived tucked neatly in between resentment and insult? Kind of huge. Don’t brush by it. Because perception is not always reality. And when you factor in that we are the most hypersensitive society ever, walking on eggshells, and doing our best to embrace all the truths and offend nobody, you can only imagine how many of us are living feeling offended because we perceive we have been insulted.
Over the past couple of weeks I have had the privilege of speaking to women about radical discipleship—digging into the truth of our chosenness and the unique mission that God has called us to and sent us into the world with, which is to convert hearts and form other disciples. For those of us already doing the work of a disciple, I know that I do not shock you when I say get ready to offend and to be offended. It is one of the perks. This is why we must invite the Holy Spirit into our minds and hearts before we ever entertain the thought of going out into the world and proclaiming the good news. And yet, here is the twist: it is impossible to be led by the Spirit if we choose to remain offended. When we are so self-focused, brewing in bitterness and upset, we cannot discern the voice of God. I don’t care how learned you are in Scripture or how well-spoken you are, if you are not filled and guided by the Holy Spirit, you cannot do God’s work.
Does this offend you? If it does, let me share this piece of my heart with you. I only write about what I personally struggle with. I possess both the gift and curse of extreme vulnerability. I don’t just share the facts, I tell you my story. And the truth about my story is that, in just one month, I have felt betrayed, misunderstood, left out, forgotten, and unfairly treated—not by strangers, but by people I love. People I have welcomed into my life with open arms, only left to feel hated and rejected, because my guess? I offended them. Have you ever felt offended by a family member, spouse, child, coworker, or a close friend? Have you ever been told you were offensive, when truly that was never your intent? If so, me too. And I am sorry. Because offense is a terrible and, dare I say, fatal feeling.
Does that sound too dramatic? Because being dramatic is another one of my gifts. However, I don’t think it applies to this. I stand firm in what I say. According to Pastor Kynan Bridges, “To live offended and stay that way denies the very nature of the salvation you claim to have received.” He calls offense a trap, likening it to a deadly disease, spreading rapidly, corrupting the mind. When we live offended, we are not living in freedom because we are allowing ourselves to be ruled by our feelings. If you have ever handed your feelings the car keys and allowed them to drive your life, you know that what I speak of is serious. We need to look at our offense with clear eyes and minds and stop taking everything so personally. (And just a side note: never let yourself be driven by your hurt, sorrow, or anger. I can say from personal experience that these are feelings that should never be allowed on the road and will most likely total your car.)
Why am I making such a big deal of this? Because no one wants you to remain feeling offended more than the enemy. He is the world’s greatest identity thief, and he wants to steal yours and keep you miserable. He lives to frustrate God’s plans for you, and so he disguises himself as a legitimate thought, creeps into your mind, and strips you of your identity by keeping your gaze off Christ and, instead, on your crisis. He stirs up your ego and pride with one hand, while holding you face down in offense with the other. How do you know when you are living offended? You will know by the fruit that you bear. And the fruit of offense according to Scripture is always betrayal, hate, and a cold heart (Matthew 24:10-11). That’s some pretty bad fruit.
As women who have been chosen and sent to share the good news and bear good fruit, it is crucial that we find ourselves a good defense against offense. Just as Jesus sent the twelve, making it clear to them that it was time to move, we need to move, too. But if we are shackled by offense, too afraid to offend others by our faith, we will not get very far. So, what do we do? The answer is surprisingly simple. Even Taylor Swift knows it.
Shake it off.
“And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet as you leave that house or town” (Matthew 10:14). This, my friends, is how we are to react to those who do not receive us. Notice, Jesus does not say get angry, leave hateful messages, ignore them, or engage in useless arguments. He instructs us to respond by shaking off the dust. And can we just say insanely hard? Our pride really wants to have the last word, and our insecure, sensitive selves really want to be passive aggressive. It’s how we are wired. So, what can we do? How do we find freedom from offense?
What helps me in the moments when my desire to respond unlike Jesus is super strong is to remember the enemy behind the scenes—and then I remember the bigger picture. Truth of the matter? As disciples of Jesus Christ we have too much work to do to get hung up on pride and our need to be right. We have souls to get to heaven! Our own, included. And remaining offended is not going to help us one bit. Just like choosing not to forgive, when we choose to stay offended, we are the ones that stay hurt.
Whether our perception is off or spot on, offense is the devil’s bait and shaking it off is never a bad idea. Like St. Paul shaking the viper off his hand and suffering no harm, so should we. Don’t let the dust trap you and keep you from moving forward. You have too much good work to do to be bothered. Listen to Jesus, turn up Taylor Swift, and let the haters hate. But you, my friend? Shake it off.